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March 22, 2004
Dear Friends,
I received this info through a friend and thought it important to share it with you. Have a wonderful week!
From "Whiners" to "Winners"
By Dr. Tony Palermo
Whiners suck... they suck the energy, vitality and life force from us. If you've been in business/practice for any length of time - you've undoubtedly had at least one whiner cross your doorstep.
It seems like these people have an uncanny ability to brighten a room - by leaving it! In my "like me/love me/buy me" days of practice (yuck!) I put up with my fair share of whiners. I accepted their complaining as a normal part of doing business.
There's great news...
You can shift whiners into winners. With the help and coaching from my friend Tom Leonard I've way outgrown my need to be the depository for people's "stuff".
What follows is a list of several of my techniques and recommendations for effectively claiming victory over the victimization inflicted by whiners. By the way - did you ever notice how "victims" have the ability to victimize others? Interesting huh?
- "Call a whiner a whiner" (they HATE that!)
Most people who chronically whine don't realize that they're doing it. Point it out to them - you'll be doing them and everyone else in their life a favor. "Do you realize that you whine a lot?" Very powerful question to pose to the complainer.
- "What's your point?"
No, I'm not quite that blunt. I simply ask a whiner the following question. "Can you change your complaint into a clear request?" The cool thing here is that in many cases - there is NO request. The whiner knows that they've got you trapped - so they figure that they'll spend their time with you whining about something/anything. If there's no request behind the whine - I'm usually off the hook.
- "What's really bothering you?"
This is a GREAT question to ask the whiner. Probe for cause.
- "Pick from the whine vineyard and prosper!"
Okay - this one seems strange I know. A true complainer is usually giving you an insight into a way or ways to increase profits. I've turned dozens of complaints into products, services and profits. Hear every complaint as a way to make money.
- "Do unto others."
When you stop whining/complaining - others do too. I don't do gossip and I don't do 'whine'. They're both unattractive and they act as beacons that attract gossips and whiners.
- "Cheer up!"
Here's a favorite request (actually - it's a standard and a boundary for me) of mine when in the company of the complainer. I simply ask them the following. "Can you do me a favor? Is it possible for you to be positive when we're together?"
Guess what? If their answer is "No, I can't do that..." they won't hang with you!
- "No 'whine' and cheese parties!"
Hey - here's the simplest solution I can offer you. Just hang out with people who don't complain! I'm not at all a fan of efforting change in others who do not really and authentically want to change. They want to bitch and moan - cool - go do it with other bitchers and moaners - don't do it with me.
- "Wave the magic wand"
I will allow the whiner about 45 seconds before I say something like, "So if you could wave a magic wand and you could have it exactly the way you want it - what would that look like?"
- "Reverse the trend"
Just because someone seems to always whine - you can start fresh in your relationship immediately. I do that by saying, "Wow - I'm really surprised... you don't seem like the type to whine - this must be REALLY bad!"
And the amazing thing is, many people follow up that statement by saying something like, "Tony, I know - I'm not usually one to whine about stuff..." NOTE: You've just created a gap for growth for that person. VERY valuable gift!
- "Divert their attention"
Again, amazingly simple way to put a stop to the whining. I just ask "I'm curious, what's working really well for you these days?" And if their answer is "Nothing" then this is a great opportunity to coach them on the value of life!
"Feeling is a part of life. Want to prove it? Next time you're at a wake - pinch the dead guy. So while he may have no complaints - it's only because he has no feelings!"
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